11:02 a.m. - 2006-05-10
HSIOW
Holy Shit, It's Only Wednesday! (George Carlin's answer to TGIF.)
Am I shallow? I feel shallow, especially during this pregnancy. My biggest thoughts are of the "How do I look?" variety? And I'm just not as into this as I thought I would be. Don't misread me -- I am THRILLED beyond belief. But I always saw myself as the kind of mom who would talk to her baby in-utero and daydream about it, and all the stuff you see on formula commercials during daytime talk shows. I've tried talking to it, but I'm not sure what to say. "Hey. How's it going in there?" I do talk to it occasionally, but that's mainly when I've said something out loud that I want to apologize for, like when a car cuts me off in the mall parking lot and I scream, "You stupid fucker!" And then it's just a quick, "Sorry you had to hear that kid. You shouldn't talk like Mommy. You know, when you learn to talk. If you can talk now and you want to say it, that's cool. But if I ever catch you saying shit like that when you're a real person..." and then I realize I AM talking to the kid, out loud, but I feel self-conscious, because I'm technically by myself, and what is this kid really hearing, anyway? It probably comes out all Charlie Brown-sounding.
I can't feel it, can't see it poking me from the inside, so until I have my next ultrasound, I imagine this will still all remain more like an abstract concept. But when I do get to thinking about it -- really thinking about why my boobs are huge, and why my stomach is getting so round -- and I think, "Ohmigod, there is a BABY in there," well... it sort of freaks me out. THERE IS A HUMAN BEING, ALIVE, INSIDE OF ME. Yeah, yeah, we know how it works... but holy shit, when it happens to you... I mean, it's kind of like "Alien," in a way. I'm never alone, even when I'm alone. Even as I sit here at my desk, my kid is here with me. And I can't even carry on a conversation with him, which is maybe why I try to feed him so much to make up for it.
