2:01 p.m. - 2006-06-12
Costco: The Convenience of Hell, Now Here on Earth
I have officially crossed over to the Dark Side. I am now a Member in Good Standing of Costco, the place Dante must have had in mind when writing "The Inferno."
I read recently in my new bible, "Baby Bargains," that warehouse places like Costco were, hands-down, the best place to buy diapers and wipes and stuff. Combined with the fact that we were having people over on Sunday and I needed lots of appetizer-type stuff that I had no intention of actually making, I decided this would be a good time to join.
I trekked over on Saturday afternoon, possibly the worst time in any given span of a week to make an appearance there. I don't really have to describe it to you -- your horriffic images are probably pretty accurate. But in the rare case that you've never been, picture an enormous warehouse of zombie-like beings, eyes glazed over in search of bargains (and "bargains" is loosely translated as "a case of toothbrushes for $14.99" or "a 10-gallon tub of mayonnaise for $6.99"), wantonly pushing overstuffed carts in every direction, with no regard for spatial allowances of other objects or people; hordes of the same people crowding around the sample tables to try toothpicks of frozen veal piccata; screaming children; and no end in sight.
The last time I was in one of these places was January 2003. I remember it well: the terror alert was pretty high, and panic was setting in city-wide. My then-coworker talked of going to Costco at lunch to stock up on water and other emergency supplies -- in case of what, she wasn't sure -- and I got swept up into her hysteria. Off we went, and I returned home that night with cases of water, sliced peaches, canned peas, chunked pineapple -- all good stuff with which to perish in the midst of a nuclear winter. (I've kept it all this time, only recently donating it to the Boy Scouts for their food drive.) Joe thought I was nuts, and I was. Then. And now.
I'll make two predictions right now about my newfound membership:
1. At some point, I'm going to get in a car accident in the parking lot.
2. At some point (probably before prediction number 1, but who knows), I will get into an altercation with a surly employee or fellow esteemed member.
Back to work for now... see you in Hell!
