4:39 p.m. - 2006-09-22
How To Care for Your Young 'Un
Joe and I had a babycare skills class at the hospital earlier this week. It's a really good thing we paid $65 to attend, or else we would never have known that, when giving our baby a sponge bath, we should always start by using clean water. If you've ever seen the episode of "The Simpons" where the kids are taken away from Homer and Marge and they have to take a basic parenting skills class (where they are taught that "trash goes IN the trash can; people, I can't stress this enough"), you have an idea of what our lesson was like.
The class was led by an instructor who appeared to be no older than 15, but claimed to be a registered nurse. When she put on the first video for us, "Every Newborn is Special," narrated by Pam Dawber, I knew we were in trouble. Perky Pam, with her side-ponytail and her oversized, belted shirt, told us to expect that our baby will cry a lot, sleep a lot, and poo a lot.
After the video, we learned how to burp babies with scary-looking newborn replica dolls. Joe and I kept handing the doll back to each other in the most inappropriate ways we could: upside down, passing it like a football, and all other stupid things designed to attract the horror of our classmates.
The class lasted three uneventful and unnecessary hours -- not a lot of fun for my still-sore ass -- but at least there were cookies. And thankfully, I know better now not to put soap in my newborn baby's eyes.
